It’s funny, I’ve never really wanted to have a blog and have never really been able to understand what people see in them, but then I started doing this Yahoo 360° page and, as I used all the other areas of it, that empty blog module kept sitting there looking at me! Then I thought to myself, well I could use it to post updates to my poetry site and that idea started to grow on me. It grew and grew and started to expand to maybe I could post my thoughts on life and love and happiness and depression and…. until here I sit with so many things going through my head that I don’t know where to begin!
Start at the beginning you say? Well I’m not sure where the beginning is (unless it’s when I came out into the cold, cruel world and someone slapped me on the ass and I knew I was in for a rough ride 😀 ) but looking back it seems to me that maybe it was not so long ago, when I was 35. I had been married for 14 years and had been unhappy for a long time… although I really didn’t want to face it. I had been in the same job for 16 years and had come to a point where I was bored senseless with it but I didn’t want to look at that either. I was really stuck in just about all areas of my life but looking at them was too scary as it might mean change… and I was really scared of change! Not that I was really even aware of that fact, I just lived in the way I had been conditioned to live and didn’t really know why I acted the way I did!
Then, at 35, I fell into a severe depression and I do mean severe! I was suicidal for months, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and couldn’t see any point to life at all… but it forced me to look! It was painful but I started looking at myself and my life and the world and questioning everything and trying to understand. I ended up leaving my husband and my job and, eventually, went back to school. If someone asked me to go through that period of my life again I would run away screaming but I am now actually glad it happened. I know myself better now (and want to keep getting better acquainted 🙂 ) and I also have a lot more idea of what I want out of life and, to quote that old Joe Jackson song, “You can’t get what you want ’til you know what you want.”
Also, as I started to become more in touch with my feelings, I began to write poetry. Being able to express myself in this way was a revelation to me as writing poetry was not something that I had ever thought I would be able to do or even been interested in. Then the poetry led to an interest in web page design when I started a website of my work, called Pieces Of My Heart, in June 2000 and now it seems it has also led to this blog! I don’t think I would ever have started one except for the idea occurring to me to use it to post updates to my site and I really didn’t think I would sit here and write like I have! So I guess the lesson is don’t judge a thing until you’ve tried it… or maybe it’s you never know ’til you have a go 🙂
